Written by me

My deepest self

This poem I wrote is very personal and raw. It depicts my battle with my own self esteem from trying to change my physical appearance, to starving myself and eventually finding peace with health.

My perfection is my poison,
I erased my eyebrows and cut back the curtain,
I tried to change my outlook,
Got a haircut,
Brought some new clothes,
Tryna be sexy meant no clothes,
It meant short shorts, and tight tops,
And for anyone that looked my Way,
A short stop,
Not for pleasure, just for esteem,
If they gave me their number, my call or lack of was in my power,
I could affect their day, like the way my issues affected mine,
I never slept around, never made sex a ticket,
But just to stop and flirt and maybe kiss,
That did it,
I was elevated, my confidence was never mine,
I borrowed it from friends, colleagues, or men that complimented my eyes,
No matter the appraise, I always slept the same,
Always looked in the mirror and saw a body that was a failure,
I hated my scars, two long ones and uneven hips that made me look wide,
And I hated my blame, any excuse meant analysing till I defined my ways,
As I looked in the mirror, listening to the voice of my sister who said I should lose weight,
The guy that said my skinnier friend had a fantastic figure,
I starved my body, I thought I could hear it pray,
Overworked until it nearly collapsed and begged to be saved,
My food diary said no chocolate, if  I cheated I would face the book of shame,
I measured myself every single day, there were numbers that I wanted to obey,
It took an entire year to learn how to be healthy,
How bad my diet was and what it meant to take a fitness selfie,
It’s not just vanity coming through,
It’s photo evidence that says you conquered you,
The choices we make can make us stronger or  in a hole deeper,
I will never be mad at myself again when I fall off,
Because I know I’m a human with imperfection, but overall I’m still on the right side of the fence,
And as long as i appraise myself and achieve what I could only dream,
It doesn’t matter what anyone else may say or believe,
I’m not winning the best body or the best beauty,
I’m winning the game of being my best self truly,
And if you continue to rise up from your past,
You can embrace every aspect,
A book is not summarised by its beginning, the ending always triumphs the original feeling.

6 thoughts on “My deepest self

  1. And as long as i appraise myself and achieve what I could only dream,
    It doesn’t matter what anyone else may say or believe,
    I’m not winning the best body or the best beauty,
    I’m winning the game of being my best self truly,
    And if you continue to rise up from your past,
    You can embrace every aspect,
    A book is not summarised by its beginning, the ending always triumphs the original feeling.

    Absolutely love. I can relate, I think a lot of girls and women can. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I know it could not have been easy. I am glad that you kicked this battle in its arse. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read!! I think that is one of the main reasons I love blogging! You can share something personal that others can relate too. Thank you for commenting as well. It’s very much appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

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