Life

Why do we give up friends?

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Is it wrong that I watch rerun episodes of Friends and feel a pang of jealousy? Fictional characters who epitomise the perfect connection of loyalty, trust and fun.

Just like Sex and the City, the group all displayed unique characteristics; their lives evolved in different directions, yet their bonds never seemed to sway. By the end of the episode or series, they always worked through their problems and somehow managed to become stronger. Marriage, babies and up-and-down career ladders – these life defining moments, could do nothing to split the friends.

In reality, these life defining moments, often leave our friendship groups in tatters. After you make it through the jungle of high-school; feeling like pray where at any given moment, an animal can backstab and attack you, you then have to deal with the grownup side of things which unfortunately, is another type of jungle.

The grownup friendship jungle is one where your friends can leave your hide, at any given moment. We all know the story of the best friend who found a partner and then decided to spend every weekend with him, whilst you browse for a new drinking companion. This is not to say that every woman does this, or that only women do this, but it must be a common stereotype for a reason.

I for the majority of my life have been single. This is dominantly a personal choice; a concoction of perfectionism and not wanting to commit, but I have always had friends who are also single. The one’s that have had partners have always scheduled time for me. The relationships have never been an issue.

That is until, one of my closest friends revealed that she was engaged. My initial happiness became clouded, when I soon realised that our potential holiday and time planned for me, would now be re edited. It sounded very childish and selfish, so I kept this feeling to myself. Eventually, when the honeymoon period died down, it was quickly replaced with the fact that she was pregnant. Two of my closest friends at the same time pregnant; it was an incredible moment. I shocked myself with how much emotion overcame me, especially when I saw the baby photos for the first time.

As happy as I am, it is undeniable that our friendships have now changed. I can only begin to imagine the stress of suddenly being responsible for another human life, whilst dealing with hormones and a completely different body. What is hard nevertheless, is going through your own big life decisions, realising that your best friend can no longer be free to support you.

In these situations, you hopefully figure it out and end up with an even closer best friend, or you depart and go separate ways, knowing that you have lost shared interests. Some may say that only sincere relationships will last through anything, but I do not believe that friendship is as straightforward as this.

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We always consider the family first. Despite being close to mine, I have a very unique and dependant bond with my friends. Ignoring acquaintances, these people know far more than most about me. They have been there through my 2am anxiety fears, when I can melt into panic mode, through to my heartache, when I continually ran back to a man who could not commit. The thought of giving them up is such an inconceivable notion. I do not think I would be me, without them.

Only, I have lost many friends. It hurt every time, a more drawn out heartbreak. It hits you when you have a funny memory and can no longer share it with the person that was there. Sometimes, it is organic and work or location, stops forcing you to communicate. Other occasions, it comes at a shock; one minute you cannot go a day without talking, the next you have not spoken in years.

Facebook we pretend, grants us opportunity to re-link back to these lost companions. Mainly you end up watching their lives go by, with you not really involved. It is not always life circumstances. Your friends may just give you up. They might become jealous of your new-found confidence, your new promotion, or maybe they just don’t agree with you anymore. Maybe you become too clingy, without even noticing.

We do not always know the reason. True friendships are a meaningful relationship. Yes they become secondary when you have a husband you adore more than life itself and yes they become secondary when you move away and have new connections to make. You do not need to make love to your friends (maybe you do), or move in with them, to build a lasting partnership.

Why give up a person who has been there from your childhood? Why do we sometimes feel that sacrifices need to be made, that we can no longer keep our friendships? I remember my mother, slowly losing time with each and I always wondered why.

The beaches is one of my favourite films. Despite the sad ending, it was one of the greatest depictions of a loving friendship. Two women whose lives were contrasting, whose jealousy was admitted and competitivity between a man, was simply dissolved. Just like real-life, they struggled to see eye-to-eye. One wanted the bright lights of a successful career, the other married and played a doting mother. In the end, they both saw something in each other’s lives that was missing in theirs and rather than boast or compete, they stuck together. When does this happen normally?

Pondering these thoughts, I watch another episode of Friends. I teach myself that we can have it all. We do not need to say goodbye to friends when life comes calling, unless they start to cause us pain.

23 thoughts on “Why do we give up friends?

  1. Wow lots of deep thought here but this is a great post! I feel very strongly that friendships shouldn’t be lost just because our lives change. If you were great friends but aren’t able to see each other often anymore due to lifestyle changes, why does that have to mean you aren’t great friends anymore? Why not just be happy to see each other on the limited times you are able to meet up? I have a two year old and my life changed socially in extreme amounts when I had a kid. It’s like people without kids are just repelled by the lives of people with kids and I don’t understand why.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Abbey. I agree, I have friends who no longer live near me, but we manage to stay great friends. Especially with technology, it is so much easier to stay connected. In some cases, those bonds can be closer.
      Whilst I agree that people can be repelled by the lives of people with kids, I also know people with children, who then judge people who don’t have them. One of my friends, when her baby was born, suddenly started questioning why I wanted to wait and be ambitious first.
      I think people should accept each other’s decisions and learn to work with each other. The best friendships to me, are the one’s who don’t try to change each other.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, very nicely written girl! I totally agree with everything you say! I’ve been really disappointed lately as well since I messaged friends from HS thinking that I can reconnect with them and they just dont seem to care and we tend to lose friendships since they are busy with their lives. I mean the whole point of FB is to unite and to keep in touch with old and current friends but nowadays FB has become a platform for curiosity and jealousy, thinking that others have better lives. I’ve tried to keep in touch with certain friends and they don’t reciprocate and understand that we genuinely want to connect and remninscence those memories. I’ve given up and just moved on and am just really focusing on those true friends who actually genuinely care about me. I’m so glad my friends in this blogging community understand these genuine friendships and am sooo happy to met everyone here! Am really glad that you expressed your thoughts on this. Glad to know that I’m not alone on this and dw Laura, we will always be there for you as a true friend πŸ™‚ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is so true! “FB has become a platform for curiosity and jealousy”. I use FB now simply to upload meaningful photos that I don’t want to lose. I know there are memory sticks etc, but on FB it is so easy to store holiday photos and things. I created a new account years ago now and have just over a hundred followers – quite small for FB. Yet even then, only a few seem genuine. It is really a competing ground to say – look how much better I am living. And admittedly, to every person that made me feel bad, I want to post a hot image and say F-U! Haha – I never type that!
      It is amazing the connections and friendships that I have made through blogging and social-media. Sometimes I think I am the only person to think a certain way, then I realise that there is a world full of people who share the same feelings.
      You are certainly not alone and I am confident more people will read this and agree. I am grateful to have come across your blog and will be there for you as well. πŸ™‚ x

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha so true! I barely go on FB anymore since not many ppl are genuine and I would really rather blog since most ppl on here are so authentic and understanding. But yeah, I’m glad we all feel the same way and vent out our thoughts together. Aw same here and your comment made my day, thank you girl! ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This was a great post. I had to deal with losing an extremely close friend in the last year. I was extremely hurt and confused, but it wasn’t distance or time that split us up, it was a betrayal. It sucks that a decade long friendship was ended because of a betrayal, that ripped my heart into pieces. It’s funny that the loss of a friend might be even worse than the loss of a lover. Like you said, they’ve been there for you through everything. I’ve gotten over it, but there are still moments where I think about the friendship we had. I know this isn’t necessarily what you are talking about in this post, but you got me thinking as always xxx

    Melina | http://www.ivefoundwaldo.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry to hear that. Betrayal in friendships – especially close, is horrible. I agree, it can be worse than the loss of a lover. I don’t think people realise how significant close friends are, until they go.
      I think what you are saying relates to the post. I ended a friendship with my best friend and although I am happy with that decision, there are moments when I remember things.
      Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed comment. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Very very well done! You absolutely covered every possible scenario of changing and evolving friendships, and the heartbreak that sometimes goes with it. So many friendships flashed in my mind as I kept reading. Some precious ones re-enter life, reconnect stronger than before. I focus on those and count my blessings. I also realize that I too have drifted apart from some …but one thing is sure I do value every single friendship, and there is no need for goodbyes, just maybe temporary spaces.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I could not agree more with everything you say. I often watch friends or sex and the city too (I love those series) and I just find myself so jealous over the bond that those characters have. It’s so beautiful and I can only hope to have something like that when I am 30.. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really wish I had that kind of a friendship group. My friends are all different and none of them really know each other. I hope I have a Friends/Sex in the City group in my twenties lol.
      xx

      Like

  6. I hope you are chuffed with yourself, this is an excellent post, very well written! Everyone is on a different path: sometimes friends leave our lives, but it doesn’t mean they can’t come back πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is such a beautiful piece. Having finished my freshman year of college, many of friendships are at a crossroads as my college life becomes my main world and what bound many of my friendships has faded away with time. I share in your reflection so thank you, for saying the words I don’t know how to say.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!! I can relate to your college situation but with work. Whenever I would move, I would always lose communication because the job itself would bound us. One of the hard things that comes with life I suppose.

      Like

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